Fine Lines

I teeter on the edge of fine lines. That narrow path between joy and absolute heartache. I find myself cramming life in, because I am so scared of it being taken away. On the outside I am a happy girl. I have a husband who loves me much more than I deserve, and two precious kids who have taught me about a love so precious and innocent that I never knew before them. I’m an entrepreneur making my way in my industry, humbled by my new ability to give to others, but fear sits in the back of my brain, reminding me that all can be lost in a few months of hospital bills. How do I know? Well it’s happened once before. About two years ago. I called my little Tay’s teacher after the Valentine’s Day party. I remember sobbing to her on the phone, asking if Tay was happy….why was she lying in the corner of the room sleeping while the other children were enjoying the party? I would soon learn there was a 2 pound cancerous tumor in her abdomen that changed our lives forever. It rocked our world and re-defined our lives. No parent should watch their child suffer as we have, but life is much sweeter now. Her hair has grown back thick and wavy. Her lashes are long and shade her always sparkling steel blue eyes. Her scars have faded to fine lines, and her cheeks are full again. She is brave and funny, and has the kindest little soul. I took her and Max to the museum and I saw her looking at a boy and his mother in front of us. Her face was full of concern. “Mommy, is he getting chemo?” His mother turned to look at her, a mixture of shock and disbelief on her face. She moved herself in front of her little love, who was sick…. clearly very sick. His hair was gone, his body was frail, and his mask was on. He was hooked to an IV pole, but his eyes were sparkling as he took in the museum. I knelt down to Taylor, and said, “I’m not sure, I think he is excited to see the museum, just like you.” She shook her head, and said, “But I don’t want him to be sick.” His mother was confused. How could this little girl know anything of cancer? This healthy little girl? “Mental health day?” I asked. I told her about our days we just had to get out, risk the germs, and lift that mask off to let smiles be seen. That was 46 chemos, 25 radiations, and countless transfusions and infusions ago. I hugged her, and never felt more connected to an absolute stranger. She is in the trenches. Fighting for her baby, and my heart was overtaken with empathy for her. Taylor’s next scan is just around the corner and we are almost to her 1 year mark since her last chemo treatment. I decided to have pictures taken to mark the day….but of course not until the 14^th (her anniversary), and not until we’ve had a clear scan. I decided to shop though, hehe, this can’t just be any little dress. I found one that I loved, but it was much more than I wanted to spend, much more than I would spend on myself for heaven’s sakes….but I bought it. I don’t want to have regrets about things I did or didn’t do for her. There is a part of me that is terrified that could be taken away from me…so I bought the dress. My hope is to share that picture in just a few weeks. I hope I am able to be filled with joy and hope for my sweet girl who deserves a cancer free life. I would be lying if I told you I’m not scared. I’m human.  So I walk the tight rope, the fine line of joy and heartache…praying for my girl, and making the most of this one fragile life we are given.  

Hope

It's amazing how life can change in just a few months. We are now 8 months post chemo. We moved to a new house. We had to. After being in isolation for a year, we needed a fresh start. That house felt like a treatment facility to me. Emergency numbers posted all over our fridge, bottles and bottles of medications engulfing our counter tops, buckets throughout the house for sickness, and memories in almost every room that flashed me back to a place I don't ever want to be again. Life is so busy now, teetering on too busy sometimes. Scans creep up on us every three months much too quickly. We have another month of freedom until I wait on those results again. It's terrifying and humbling at the same time.

I watch my 4 year old Taylor embrace her classmates at preschool, beaming at me, and introducing her new friends. She proudly announced that her cancer is all gone now, so she can have friends, and my heart swells with hope for her. She sits in front of the mirror in my bathroom, smooths her short pixie cut with my hairbrush, and runs to find her daddy so he can tell her how pretty she is. She is often a WILD woman, happy and sassy, no longer the quiet little girl resting on my couch. We are packing our days full of fun, full of thankfulness, and full of hope for our sweet girl. We continued to be humbled by those still fighting. My heart breaks for those families. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not so thankful for the health of my little Tay Tay.

Pray for Tay...

"Aunt Brooke, Aunt Brooke, I want a messy bun like you!" squealed my little niece. "Well, come on into my beauty shop, and I will give you a messy bun!" I told her. I scooped up her long blonde curls and put a sweet little top knot on her head. She pranced away happy, and I looked up to see my sweet Tay with tears in her eyes. My heart sank down into my feet. "I want a messy bun too mommy, I want to play beauty shop." she whispered. I unraveled my own hair tie out of my mess of a bun, and pulled her down on my lap. We gathered a tiny little tuff of hair, and I wrapped my hair tie around it. "There, a messy bun for you too!" I told her. She shot out of my lap, and showed each person in the room her "messy bun". My heart was so happy for her. My how far we have come... And then I felt myself starting to panic, and had to step outside to catch my breath. Scans. Scans are coming. How on earth are we just days away from scans? Fear has crept back into the back of my mind. It makes me sit up in bed in the middle of the night and cup my hands over my mouth. I pray myself to sleep, and life resumes. My little love starts pre-school tomorrow, and I can't help but be so thankful. I was drowning about this time last year, heart broken as all her friends went back to school while we shuffled back and forth from the hospital. We moved to a new house, in a new town, but I still have my same old fears. Here I am again, asking you, please, to pray for my girl.

Fear not..

"Is this Taylor's mom?" My heart sank. "This is the sedation team, and we need to go over instructions for Taylor's upcoming scans?" My heart began to pound. It's too soon, that's not right...we have one more month... we have one more month. And so we do. It was an error, and they will call me again in a few weeks. I hung up the phone and cried. Fear took over. For the last few days fear has taken over......again. It takes my thoughts on a wild goose chase, I drive aimlessly and forget where I am going. It wakes me at night, and makes me over analyze everything. I'm looking for signs, anything that may indicate a red flag. Her legs have a few bruises on them, and I find myself sending Chris pictures at work and asking him if that's "ok". I watch her prance and play, and find tears creeping into the corners of my eyes.... that familiar lump in my throat. My prayers are like mantras that I recite over and over a thousand times a day. Forget work accomplishments, moving to a new house, and all the fun things going on, I'm lost in this torture of "what ifs".

The next day, I walked through the mall and saw a beautiful little girl with a bald head and dark shadows under her eyes. She was so thin, but her eyes were sparkling. Her resemblance to the way Taylor looked 6 months ago was crazy. Her dad walked a few feet behind her, holding her mask in his hand, and I wanted to go hug him. I know that feeling. He just wanted to let her be a kid. He chose her mental health that day, and let her be "mask free". I smiled at him, and saw relief in his eyes. I would not give him a pity stare, those were the worst. My heart broke into a million tiny pieces for those suffering, fighting, and lost to this horrible disease. It humbled me. It reminded me to be thankful for this day. To live in this moment. Didn't I learn this lesson last time? Gosh. There isn't a handbook for all this, I sure wish there was.

Then and Now..

Life is moving so much faster now. I flash back to a year ago, and I remember time standing still. We were just in the thick of radiation, and it was honestly the worst months of my life. I thought surely I would die of heartache last summer. I can't think of anything worse for a parent, than watching their child suffer. The only thing worse would have been losing her, and we are so incredibly blessed that we didn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God, and continue to pray for her life. We are busy packing for her Make a Wish trip to Disney, and I can't help but think how far we have come. As I tuck her princess dress in her suitcase, I find myself saying a million prayers for those still fighting. Now it's our turn to help others, to give back, and to reach out a helping hand to those struggling. It's our turn to make our mark on this earth and be better people than we were the day before. Now we are off to Disney to show our two deserving kids an amazing time. Life is fragile and sweet. 

Big Faith

People often ask me why I write, or don't write. It's very therapeutic for me. Something is usually bothering me, or swirling around my head. So I write, and after, I always feel better. Maybe it's my therapy? Last week Tay & Max were playing in our playroom, Tay was making a make shift hospital, and Max and I were building towers so he could cannon ball into them. I heard Taylor saying, "Ohhhh dear. Ohhhh no. My pig is sick." She gently laid the stuffed pig on the pretend hospital bed and began digging through her doctor kit. She pulled out a pretend syringe, and pressed it into the pig's chest. "It's okay piggie, I'm here," she whispered as she pretended to access the pig's port. Tears rushed to my eyes when I heard her say. "I'm gonna give you some chemo, and then you will be ok again." Bless her little heart. I'm so happy she is able to process all this. That some how she did learn, and does know, that we did all this to make her better. "Mommy?! It's a chemo day for my pig!" she shouted. Max knocked down another tower and tackled me to the ground. I'm so glad neither noticed the tears creeping from the corner of my eyes. I said a million prayers for her continued recovery. I do this daily. I actually feel like God may be getting quite annoyed. He knows my heart, He hears me. 

I own a boutique (this is not a plug for it, hehe) and we have a warehouse that houses inventory for our website. I've actually always had a website, but mine just took off about 9 months ago. It took off right after a desperate prayer. I often go to the store at night to merchandise. One evening I sat on the floor thinking... praying... what can I do? How can I help contribute to our income as our medical bills were flowing in. I felt God tell me; work harder. Ummmm, what? Right now?! I'm tired, my kid has cancer, really?! And that was it. So I did, and it WORKED. My staff and I have worked tirelessly to keep up with this growing extension of the boutique, and we lost everything last Thursday to an electrical fire. It was heart wrenching...devastating...but also a reality check. All of my workers, a sweet little dog, and our fish (ironically named Smokey) were unharmed. Someone said, "Is this one of the worst days of your life?" and the answer was, "No, definitely no." We did a photo shoot later that day, made a make shift office, and trudged forward. There was no time for a pity party. It's just stuff. People matter. My staff matters. Life matters. No lives were lost. We are so lucky. I am in awe of the way God has blessed my life. 

Tay had scans today. Her first scan out of treatment. Her first scan not sedated. Our results come at the end of the week, and I have been a wreck. It terrifies me. It was a really hard day, but she bounced back to her happy self. She has faith. So again, I am inspired to have faith and know that everything is going to be ok. If it's not, we will go back to the battle field and fight for our girl. I'm a tough girl that won't give up on my business, and most certainly not my little girl. 

Undoing...

Life feels so wonderful right now. The days fly by, and I remember when I once counted the hours, minutes... seconds until our day could just be done. Sleep was the only form of escape, and morning always came to soon. We are in the thick of "undoing". I am carefully wading through the damage a year of treatment has done on Tay, Max, Chris, and honestly, myself. I watch her beautiful lashes grow in, her blond hair cover her once bald head, her cheeks fill out, and it warms my heart and terrifies me at the same time. Chemo is working it's way out of her body, and fear keeps waking me at night. I know where we have been, and can't imagine going back. So I humble myself daily. I give more than I get. I pray for her constantly. And I continue to "undo". Some days I feel totally unqualified to be her mother. I'm just a girl who loves her kid, I just want her to be ok, I just want to lessen the damage of what has taken place, I just can't go back. Scans are creeping up again, and tonight, four some more years of this seems like alot. So, I humble myself, and remember that I am so blessed to have my girl. I can't ask for anything more. Each day we begin again. And life resumes.