"Tell her....tell Aunt Kristen mommy," Taylor whispered. My sister and I were pushing our double strollers through the mall, and I said, "Taylor's hair is growing back." Taylor proudly ran her hands over her head to show her little blond buzz with a sweet smile stretched across her full cheeks. Taylor loves it when my sister gives her girly attention. She likes to wear her fanciest dresses to Aunt Kristen's house, and I will never forget how pretty my sister made her feel the day she cut all her hair off.
I remember sitting wide eyed in my bathroom while my sister cut, and cut with Taylor sitting in the sink. They chatted and giggled, while I silently talked myself out of a hysterical melt down. I remember my sister saying, "Tay Tay, you look SO pretty!" after she cut it all off, and Taylor beaming at herself in the mirror. I'm sure my sister cried on her way home that day. I'm sure she cried a million other times, but only after she carefully convinced me I was fine. She would remind me how strong Tay is, how resilient she is, and she had hope when mine was lost.
I watched my sister cut up Max's lunch yesterday, and felt so lucky. (Of course I was too busy mauling her baby to notice Max was eating a strawberry with leaves on it.) I rocked her baby while we ate, and pretended he was mine to anyone who commented how cute he was (hehe). Simple days are such a blessing. It's not lost on me. I thanked God the whole way home, especially for my sister.
Have you done something with your hair? Lost weight? Been on vacation? You look rested! Something is different about you........These are the things people say to me now. I had quickly forgotten what a process "getting ready" can be. Taylor has a fuzzy blond halo of hair, and doesn't seem to mind my hair anymore. I haven't lost much weight, just took off my comfy yoga pants and started getting "dressed" again. I do feel like I have been on vacation, a vacation from chemo, and gosh it's wonderful. I sleep much better now. I don't wake up crying in the night anymore. I don't pace the house worrying. I don't wake up and work compulsively because I don't know what else to do. I sleep until my little Max wakes me... it's always before the sun comes up, God love him. Our days go by so fast now....it's amazing. I found myself motioning for my family to watch Taylor eat on Easter. She raced through the house with her cousins, squealing, and chattering with delight. I didn't leave my parent's house with that old familiar lump in my throat, with that gloom of treatment hanging over my head. I didn't see the pain in my family members faces when they looked at Taylor yesterday. I saw relief, joy, and hope. I think about what our families and friends have been through, and it breaks my heart and makes me so thankful at the same time. She is your girl too. You love her too. And when people ask me how I could have praised God through this nightmare, I am reminded that He loves her most. This hurt Him far more than it hurt me. Unimaginable but true. Life is sweet.
