I'm sure we all know the feeling of being smacked in the face....by accident....during a sport....what have you. That feeling where a rush of tears floods to your eyes, and like it or not, you are crying. Yesterday felt like that for me. Over and over, I felt the smack and the rush of tears. It wasn't from any sort of injury, just plain hurt. At one point Chris said, "You are losing it. You are rocking back and forth, and losing it." I was. And I will tell you why. Just a thin piece of curtain separated us from a six year old little girl that was just orphaned by her family. Left to battle cancer alone. I wanted to open the curtain and say, "You are coming with me. I am your mommy, and I will love you from now until the day I die. I will never leave you." But I didn't, I couldn't. I listened to a foster care worker get to know her, and prayed for her little broken heart. Some parents release their rights so their children can receive care from the state, some parents just don't want to deal with it, but either way, children get the short end of the stick. I gave her suckers and stickers, and haven't stopped thinking about her since we left.
Later in the day, Taylor finally found some relief from her anti nausea meds and drifted off to sleep. I always feel a sense of relief when she is able to escape the day through sleep. Chris was reading, and I was still listening. Above the whimpers from kids, hushes from parents, and bustle of nurses, I heard an eight year old boy saying, "I HATE you. I HATE you for always bringing me here!" His mother was stumbling over her words, broken, and softly crying "I have to bring you here." I wanted to go hug her. I wanted to get her some tea, wrap a blanket around her shoulders, and say "I know, I know, it's ok, you are doing an amazing job." But, I didn't. I walked past their corner, and asked her if he could have a sucker, and she nodded. He was happy with three...bless his heart.
I walked around the corner, and past a private room.There was a teen boy in there sleeping, and his parents were hugging. I felt an immediate sense of worry. Why was he isolated? Why did they look so heartbroken? Please let him be ok.... I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, not the way I used to..... I wasn't smoothing my hair into place, or dabbing on some (much needed) lip gloss...I was looking myself square in the eyes and telling myself "Six more hours, you can do it. Fifteen more treatments, you can do it. Clear scans, clear scans, clear scans. Thank you God."
On our drive home I told Chris that I am changed forever now. I was a girl that would quickly change the channel when a St. Jude commercial came on, or heaven forbid I heard Sarah McLachlan start singing "Arms of an Angel," and an abused animal came on the tv screen. I couldn't look, it hurt too much. But now they are not faces on a tv screen, they are just on the other side of the curtain from us, with a name and a story. I can't change the channel, and I don't want to. I just want to help them.
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I believe,that in the end only kindness matters. I believe, that you should always give more than you get. I saw a Kmart commercial today about a "Layaway Giveaway," and it featured this really fortunate looking woman, and flashed a big sceen tv and some other non-essential items. I wondered about the people who have three perfect toys on layaway, for their three perfect children. Those who are working an extra shift to make sure their kids know that Santa did not forget them. It hurt my heart. It made me feel guilty, and reminded me that the best way to give is without waiting for a thank you, a pat on the back, or a confirmation of how wonderful you are.
Last week, while we were staying on the oncology unit, Tay's little neighbor touched my heart. She is 6, with stage 4 leukemia. Her mom's neglect broke my heart a million times during our stay. Our little neighbor spent most of her time alone, very sick, and calling out for her mommy that was....unavailable. I tried hard not to judge her mom. There is no handbook for this, and I am very blessed to have a huge support system, but you better believe that when my baby is calling for me.... I will be there. She..... wasn't. So, I took care of her. We opened up the curtain, shared toys, songs, and anything else that would pass the time. At one point she was getting sick, so I stood by her bed, and dabbed her head with a cool cloth. She looked up and said "you're pretty," and then slumped back in her bed. I wasn't pretty. I was tired and disheveled, but she saw kindness, and that was pretty to her. What a doll. What a precious, little, kind thing. The next day she was moved to isolation due to illness, and she cried out for me. It shocked me and broke my heart. Just two days after meeting this little girl, and she cried out for me. It opened my heart....my eyes.... to so many little kids...right here in Indiana who need loving parents and guardians. So I continue to wrestle with this...what can I do? How do I help the masses? It will come to me....and one day I will find a way to GIVE BIG.
I can sleep. I have these beautiful night sleeps now. I don't wake in the night and cry myself back to sleep. I don't go peek in my little girls room, and beg God to let her outlive me. I cry happy tears. I don't cup my cries in my hands, or mask my eyes with my sunglasses. My tears don't burn my cheeks anymore. I have renewed strength. I know that I can fight through these last 5 months of treatment, and have my eye on the prize. I can see the light. I got my hair done, I made myself doctor appointments, I planned a date with Chris, and I bought some jeans that fit. I started caring again...... about me. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop dreaming of all that is to come. Clear scans, my gosh clear scans.
