Forever Changed.

I'm sure we all know the feeling of being smacked in the face....by accident....during a sport....what have you. That feeling where a rush of tears floods to your eyes, and like it or not, you are crying. Yesterday felt like that for me. Over and over, I felt the smack and the rush of tears. It wasn't from any sort of injury, just plain hurt. At one point Chris said, "You are losing it. You are rocking back and forth, and losing it." I was. And I will tell you why. Just a thin piece of curtain separated us from a six year old little girl that was just orphaned by her family. Left to battle cancer alone. I wanted to open the curtain and say, "You are coming with me. I am your mommy, and I will love you from now until the day I die. I will never leave you." But I didn't, I couldn't. I listened to a foster care worker get to know her, and prayed for her little broken heart. Some parents release their rights so their children can receive care from the state, some parents just don't want to deal with it, but either way, children get the short end of the stick. I gave her suckers and stickers, and haven't stopped thinking about her since we left.

Later in the day, Taylor finally found some relief from her anti nausea meds and drifted off to sleep. I always feel a sense of relief when she is able to escape the day through sleep. Chris was reading, and I was still listening. Above the whimpers from kids, hushes from parents, and bustle of nurses, I heard an eight year old boy saying, "I HATE you. I HATE you for always bringing me here!" His mother was stumbling over her words, broken, and softly crying "I have to bring you here." I wanted to go hug her. I wanted to get her some tea, wrap a blanket around her shoulders, and say "I know, I know, it's ok, you are doing an amazing job." But, I didn't. I walked past their corner, and asked her if he could have a sucker, and she nodded. He was happy with three...bless his heart.


I walked around the corner, and past a private room.There was a teen boy in there sleeping, and his parents were hugging. I felt an immediate sense of worry. Why was he isolated? Why did they look so heartbroken? Please let him be ok.... I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, not the way I used to..... I wasn't smoothing my hair into place, or dabbing on some (much needed) lip gloss...I was looking myself square in the eyes and telling myself  "Six more hours, you can do it. Fifteen more treatments, you can do it. Clear scans, clear scans, clear scans. Thank you God."

On our drive home I told Chris that I am changed forever now. I was a girl that would quickly change the channel when a St. Jude commercial came on, or heaven forbid I heard Sarah McLachlan start singing "Arms of an Angel," and an abused animal came on the tv screen. I couldn't look, it hurt too much. But now they are not faces on a tv screen, they are just on the other side of the curtain from us, with a name and a story. I can't change the channel, and I don't want to. I just want to help them.

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