Patience.....

There is an old wives's tale that says NEVER to pray for patience.... good grief, I made this terrible mistake, and I have been tested. I am so tired. I work, love, pray, work, and work some more. I can't sleep at night. I pray myself to sleep every single night. I fall asleep mid conversation with God, thanking him, and begging him for the life of my girl. I'm exhausted.

So, I prayed for patience. The next day Taylor challenged me on everything. It's so hard to distinguish what is her being three, and what is her not feeling well. I have said it once, and I will say it again, that I am still trying to raise a lady. We still have rules, and our timeout corner knows Taylor well. My sweet little chunk of a baby boy has turned into a ferocious biter! He has the ability to make me swear like a sailor in the middle of Target while I unhinge his little jaws off my hand. Patience.

But today.....today was my ultimate test in patience. Taylor and I headed to the hospital around 7:30am. We had a really rough visit. There are days where Tay has fight in her. She gets MAD when the nurses do painful things, and then she bounces back. And then we have days where she doesn't..... and those days just break my heart in half. She gets quiet, somber, stops smiling, cries with no sound, it's awful. Today was that kind of day. On our way out, she was lounged back in her stroller, hugging her blankie, not speaking.  I just had to end things on a good note. She didn't want to say goodbye to the fish, didn't want to throw coins in the wishing pond (this has never happened)......so I pulled out my last trick, and knowing she is a girl after my own heart, I offered to go SHOP. We rolled into the hospital gift shop, and I said, "You were a brave girl, and mommy is SO proud of you, so you may pick out a few special things, let's shop!" She was SO excited, she clapped her little hands, and I knew she was smiling behind her mask. As quickly as I heaved a sigh of relief, I heard, "Well THAT is a slippery slope!" from a fellow gift shopper. I was stunned. It felt like this woman had reached out and slapped me. A SLIPPERY SLOPE? She was judging me, insinuating that I am starting a bad habit with my child. How dare her?! Of course I wanted to go into mama bear mode......but I didn't. I let her judge me. I know my heart. God knows my heart. I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Tay Tay, ANYTHING you want, let's shop!" This is not the first time, and it will not be the last time that people judge me. Patience.



I hope you dance...

We have started living again. There, I said it. I am letting go of all my guilt for keeping Taylor home and isolated. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was safe. But we started living, and it feels GOOD. I scheduled play dates. I started going places. And today she danced. I watched her totter on her tippy toes, leap through the air in her precious pink tights, and interlock her little fingers with a little girl in her class to hold hands. She made a new friend. My achy, sore heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest with joy for her. Tears were rolling down my face as I watched her prance about. This is her thing, her happy place. I found it.

Of course it was straight to the tub when we got home. Of course I know she may get sick. But we must start living. No matter what the outcome of all this is, we must live life out to the fullest every day in between. It feels good to have a reason to get dressed, to talk with other moms, to feel normal again. Scans are less than a month away, and I needed something to lift the gloom. To push away the dark cloud hovering over us. I can't tell you how much I want this to be over for her. There is so much to do in this short life. In the mean time, we are living.

 

To be a fly on the wall.....

Just in case anyone was in need of a good laugh, I thought I would share my morning with you. I get way too much credit for being some kind of super mom, so my hope is that this little story will put a smile on your face, and let you see my human side. Enjoy!

Now let me set the scene.....
My house is an absolute disaster. After 12 hours at the hospital yesterday, I just needed the house clean. A thought crossed my mind that I should forgo all birthday/anniversary/Christmas gifts, and ask Chris for 6 months of a cleaning service to come, it is that bad. I decided to take things room by room, and let the kids play along side me. I moved all our kitchen chairs into the family room, and made a fort for the kids to play in while I mopped. Things were going well, until the doorbell rang and all hell broke loose. Our sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly until you ring our doorbell dog charged the door in full attack mode. Max, although not walking, slithered all 31 pounds of himself to the back of my legs and began pulling himself up. I opened the door, and our dog raced right past the Fed Ex man, and out the front door. I am yelling, "Samantha Suzanne Magdzinski!!! GET. BACK. IN. THIS. HOUSE!" At the same time, Max gave a final tug on my yoga pants to stand himself up, and down they went.....Max and my PANTS. I locked eyes on the fed ex man....we both knew what just happened.....I yanked my pants back up, as Taylor informs me that we don't show our undies to people....it's private. Yes, it sure it. Nothing I had planned on showing our Fed Ex man that I see on a weekly basis. I brushed past him, Max on my hip, and Taylor standing in the doorway. I looked back and said, "Do NOT lock that door Tay" and I hurried to the neighbors to grab Sammie. I was barley off the front step and the door closed and clicked behind me....

Thank goodness for hidden out door keys, time out corners, and nap time! I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear our Fed Ex man's version of the story. I am sure it started out, "So, let me tell you about this CRAZY woman I deliver to every week...." 


Have a wonderful weekend!