Vows

The past few weeks have been difficult to say the least. It makes me think about who I have become, the friends I am leaning on, and vows I made. I remember my first week home after Tay was born, thinking that I need to be the best version of myself for this little girl. She inspired me to let go of selfish ways, and live a life she could be proud of. I hope my "teenage Taylor" understands that every decision Chris and I have made regarding her treatment has been with love and careful thought....treating her cancer first.

My wedding vows keep replaying in my mind. We live them out now.... each and every day. To have and to hold ....never thinking Chris would physically hold me up when they tell me my two year old has cancer. For better or for worse...we know things can get worse, and we are so thankful for the opportunity to fight for our precious girl. For richer, for poorer....as we fight to keep what is ours..... In sickness and in health.....as we trudge to chemo every Thursday, and battle the side effects through the rest of the week. Health seems so far away with radiation looming, and a year of treatment still before us. To love and to cherish.... we sure do, we love our kids with every ounce of our being. And as for Chris and I..... I would say we are an 80/20 couple, 80% of the time I love him to pieces..... and 20% of the time he drives me crazy, and I want to banish him to the basement we don't have. (Hehe) I think that is pretty darn good! Until death do us part....please God let my children bury me when I am old, gray, and driving them absolutely nuts. And my gosh, were my friends taking those vows right along with Chris? Their support has been unconditional.

This blog is to document my journey of guiding my 2 year old daughter through cancer. My hope is that she will read this someday and understand how amazing she is.  My fear is that she wont..... but honestly, I will accept nothing less than a happily ever after at the end of this. My prayer is for my words & our experience to change a few hearts along the way. I hope it causes you to reconsider the way you love, the way you live, and the way you spend each day.

Mission accomplished

We are HOME! This week is finally over....(other than the post chemo side effects)....but we made it through! On the eighth hour of chemo today, Taylor looked at us and said, "I had fun today!" And there you have it.... we did it.... we fooled her into thinking she had a great day....mission accomplished!! She was so well behaved today...fighting through painful moments, bouncing back with smiles and forgiveness....it inspires me so much. It makes me a better mother, and reminds me that everything is in Gods hands.

I took a little break today and stepped out of the room. My heart was hurting, I was worrying about her, about everything...and I passed a teen couple in the hallway. The 17ish girl was bald, wearing a mask, and clearly there for treatment. Holding her hand was a 17ish, healthy looking boyfriend....laughing and looking at her like she was the most gorgeous girl that ever hit the earth. I wanted to pull her aside and say," Marry HIM, he is the type you MARRY." I should know, I married someone with the same type of heart as that boy, and it is times like this I thank God I married him for the right reasons.

Mothers Day

I'm not sure if it is the Mother's Day love, or the amazing benefit our friends hosted for Taylor this weekend, but I feel strong again. I feel so thankful to be a mother, what an amazing gift. I remember when Taylor was born, looking at Chris, and thanking him for the nicest gift he had ever given me...Taylor. I felt the same way with Max. My mommy skills have been put to the test this year. I try every day...everysingleday....to be a better mommy than I was the day before. I was raised by the best, so the bar has been set high. I was raised by a cheery, monogram wearing, homemade play dough making, Raffi music playing, beautiful inside and out kind of mother. She always put us first, she never missed an event, and she showed us through her actions how to be kind and giving. She let us each shine in our own way, and made us feel like we were the best things that ever happened to her. I pray every night that I can be half the mother she is. I need her now more than ever, and every time someone tells me I am just like my mom, I couldn't be more proud. Have a wonderful day.

Get sick, get well, repeat..

We completed another chemo session today. Taylor's counts were "borderline", (which seems to be where she stays), and no blood transfusion is needed today! We did not receive any news on the gene test.....hopefully by next week we will have some results.

Overall, today went fairly well, she didn't seem to be as stressed as usual....but I never get used to watching her cry. The worst part of our week is holding her down while they access her port, watching her scared blue eyes fill with tears, while I keep my eyes steady on hers, and convince her that everything will be alright. Inside I am dying. It kills me to watch her suffer. I want to tell her that we are done, never coming back.....but I can't.....and that is really hard.

We joke at home that mommy is the boss. Taylor often reminds Chris that....which I love (hehe), but in this case, mommy is not the boss. God is. All I can do is trust that she will come through this. I trust that God has big plans for her, and this is just the beginning of her making her mark on this earth. Even so, I kiss her a thousand times a day, and memorize the details of her sweet face. I miss her curls. I miss her chubby cheeks. I miss the look on her face when I pick her up from school (the thats MY mommy look). I miss her sweet smile when it is covered by her mask. But, my suffering...our suffering (ps. I love you Chris),... is nothing compared to hers. So, every day, I silence the fears in my heart she would ever be taken from us, and continue to fight for her. Every. Single. Day.