Get sick, get well, repeat..

We completed another chemo session today. Taylor's counts were "borderline", (which seems to be where she stays), and no blood transfusion is needed today! We did not receive any news on the gene test.....hopefully by next week we will have some results.

Overall, today went fairly well, she didn't seem to be as stressed as usual....but I never get used to watching her cry. The worst part of our week is holding her down while they access her port, watching her scared blue eyes fill with tears, while I keep my eyes steady on hers, and convince her that everything will be alright. Inside I am dying. It kills me to watch her suffer. I want to tell her that we are done, never coming back.....but I can't.....and that is really hard.

We joke at home that mommy is the boss. Taylor often reminds Chris that....which I love (hehe), but in this case, mommy is not the boss. God is. All I can do is trust that she will come through this. I trust that God has big plans for her, and this is just the beginning of her making her mark on this earth. Even so, I kiss her a thousand times a day, and memorize the details of her sweet face. I miss her curls. I miss her chubby cheeks. I miss the look on her face when I pick her up from school (the thats MY mommy look). I miss her sweet smile when it is covered by her mask. But, my suffering...our suffering (ps. I love you Chris),... is nothing compared to hers. So, every day, I silence the fears in my heart she would ever be taken from us, and continue to fight for her. Every. Single. Day.