Decisions, Decisions....

"Mommy what are you dooooo-ing?" I snap back into reality. Was my head really just in my hands? How long have I been sitting like this? Where was the nudge from Chris?? I glance back at my little loves, both securely fastened into their carseats, toys in hand, enjoying each other's company. Taylor squeeled, "This is SO fun!" Chris and I exchange a familiar glance, the one that says, "That was SO cute, but SO sad." Before Taylor pulled me back down to planet earth, I was caught in a memory, drowning in a sea of horror, flashing back to our first few days after Taylor was diagnosed. I remember crouching in a lounge on my knees, crying, while a nurse hugged me. I remember watching Taylor sleep every night, and sobbing quietly in my chair. I remember seeing a look of absolute despair on Chris' face, a look I had never seen, and feeling absolutely terrified. My memory of those first few days is fuzzy, it's hard to believe that four months have passed. If we are lucky, we have 7 more radiation treatments, and 7 more months of chemo....if we are lucky.


I make a decision every day, often several times a day, to handle this situation with grace, patience, and courage. The last few weeks have been so incredibly difficult, and I finally hit my breaking point. It felt like I just stopped treading, raised my arms up, and sank. Down, down, down to a place of complete heartache and worry. It helped nothing. In fact, it made everything a million times worse. So I am back in happy mommy mode, making the decision every day, several times a day, to stay positive. In the midst of this difficult time, we are so blessed. We have our sweet girl, our happy little Max, and each other. That is enough.