Happy New Year

I have spent the past year living in the right here and now. I couldn't look back, it was too painful. I couldn't look ahead, it was far too overwhelming. So I lived moment to moment, treatment to treatment, scant to scan. Today, I have found myself with that familiar lump in my throat, hurt in my heart, and sheet of tears glazing over my eyes because on new year's eve, you can't help but look back. Back to the bump, the pokes, the surgery, the diagnosis, more surgeries, leaving Max, chemotherapy, kids living, kids dying, radiation.....oh my gosh the hell of radiation, missing birthday parties, missing weddings, bad scans, good scans, isolation, and more chemotherapy. I can see myself dropping to my knees when she was diagnosed. I can see myself crying in the hospital bathroom until it was Chris' turn to go cry. I can see Chris and myself running through the halls of the radiation center to get our crying baby girl. I can see Max crying hysterically when my mom left after watching him for long periods of time, reaching for her and calling her mama. I can see Taylor...oh my gosh, and I pray that no parent ever has to witness their child suffer the way we have.

And in between all the heartache there was God's good grace, shining through, lifting us up, and carrying us through this nightmare. There was each and every one of you, throwing us a life preserver when we were absolutely drowning. My house was cleaned during our first long stay, my dog was washed, meals were brought, cards and gifts were sent, bills were paid, benefits were organized, smaller clothes for Taylor were left on my doorstep, hugs were given, and most of all,  millions of prayers were said. There were times, in the midst of my darkest days, I would feel complete and total peace, for a few moments my heart would stop breaking, and I know that was from all of you.

I called a friend the other day, in a rare chipper mood, and she said how great it was to see a glimpse of the "old Brooke". I know what she meant, the happy Brooke. I miss that Brooke too. Thank you for bearing with me. For waiting for me to come back. 2013 is about health and healing for us. Rebuilding our family, our friendships, marriage, and growing our faith. I can't wait to go on a date with Chris without the gloom of cancer hovering over us. I can't wait to really rest, and let go of all this heartache. I can't wait to stop torturing my girl every Thursday. But most of all, I can't wait to watch our sweet girl ring that bell, and get her life back. Happy New Year to you and yours.