This is a marathon..

A dear friend of mine said that this is "a marathon, not a sprint." and he was so right. The adrenaline has worn off.... I don't have Beyonce in my ear anymore (ha, wow... refer back to journal entry "Sunday" March 4th), and I feel like I am on a long run, telling myself to keep going up that hill. I am broken by watching Taylor suffer. She cries at night, afraid to go back to the doctor. She paints and tells the characters on the page that "It will hurt, but it will just take a second." She wraps my arms with bandages and pretends to cut them off saying, " I'm sorry, its almost over." These are words I say to her.... and will continue to say to her every week until this is over.

I made an absolute fool of myself today.... We spend most of our days at home....no need to dress up right? (Sorry Chris!) Today I took things a little further and decided to stay in pj pants, hoodie, and no makeup. We needed to run through the bank, not getting out of the car, so I decided to stay in pjs...mistake. Taylor and Max watched a movie in the back seat while we entered the bank line. I chatted with the teller and glanced back to see Taylor slumped over with her eyes rolled back. "Taylor?! Taylor!!!" I reached back and grabbed her arm, she wouldn't wake up. I jumped out of the car screaming her name, pulled her out of her carseat and began sobbing shaking her. She opened her eyes, yawning, saying, "What mommy? I'm sleepy!" Hello!? It was about naptime, she was tired, Max was sleeping next to her and I didn't think a thing of it. The bank teller was saying, "Mam, mam, is everything OK?" I looked around, pj pants and all, with tears streaming down my cheeks, and gave a quick wave to the 4 cars starring at me. This is my life now..... This is me now..... I gave a quick call to my sister who always seems to piece me back together as quickly as I fall apart. In true "big" sister form, she keeps coming to my rescue. Now no need to sound the alarms, I really am ok, but I feel it is important to document this.... the good, bad, and the ugly. This is a "marathon, not a sprint." I am in the part of the run where everything hurts, you want to quit, stop, give up......but you don't..... you just keep going....