I remember leaving the hospital when Taylor was first born, and thinking.. I am so not qualified to take care of this baby. I remember staying awake and watching her sleep, afraid that I was forgetting some important step in the night time routine. I remember having the realization that this little person needs me to survive, what a huge responsibility. I had that same feeling leaving Riley Thursday with Taylor...two and a half years later. We had a quick crash course in cancer, and were sent on our way.
Friday was difficult to say the least, I think I begged Chris to come home from work twice. Taylor was really sick. Max, my 7 month old baby, is teething and just needs me. Do I pick up my crying Taylor who needs comforted, or my crying Max who is hungry? Solution, I hold both.... I get no cleaning done, no laundry folded, and we all have a pj day. At one point I had both kids asleep, and just sat down on the floor. Our dog, Sam, plopped down in front of me and layed her head in my lap. I am her mommy too. Poor thing.
Tay needs to wear a mask when outside of our home, and she hates it. I can see why, I wore one with her leaving the hospital and it was awful. Today she finally gave in and wore it, so we could play outside. A whole new set of worries started for me. Will kids make fun of her? Will they be afraid of her? Will I have composure when people may make rude comments? My heart hurt while I watched her play. I missed seeing her smile.
Her oncologist suggested we "buzz" her hair this week to help prepare her for the physical changes. Im wondering if he suggested this to prepare us as well. Im not sure why it hurts me so much to cut her hair, it really is not about the vanity, I think it is more about her looking sick. I can't go through the whole Cookie Cutter's trauma again, so Aunt Kristen is coming tomorrow to do it...to make it fun. Her oncologist also told us that her treatment is actually 46 weeks, not 45, and really it may take longer than that due to normal delays in treatment and illness. I found myself wondering if I will hurt like this the whole way through? I feel stronger every day, but the hurt doesn't seem to fade. I can't tell you how much I wish it was me. My hope is that she will read these someday and it will help her understand her journey, her importance on this earth, her strength, and how much Chris and I love her. Keep praying for our girl.
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