Just Dance..

I tucked Taylor in bed last night, and as I was leaving she said, "Mommy, I had a fun day!" I could barley choke out the words. "Me too." Because it wasn't true. Most of our day was not fun. It was traumatic, scary, and uncomfortable. I am so thankful that I did my job, and she only remembers the fun. I wish my memory worked that way... Just hours after her treatment, her hair started falling out. Really falling out. I knew this would happen. I prepared Taylor for this, and when I tell her now that it will all be gone soon, she usually squeals "Yaaaay! Good!" But, I guess I hadn't prepared myself. I was frantically dusting her face, neck, and clothing off. I felt like I was drowning. Choking. I kept running my fingers through what is left, and felt heartbroken when I ended up with a palm full of hair. It's harder to forget she has cancer now. I don't know when I will see her hair again..

We ran a quick errand today, GASP!, I know, I asked her doctor and was actually encouraged to get out of the house. We talked about the new rules at the mall. I explained that we can't get out of the stroller, we don't touch anything... and Tay interrupted and said, "Because, because, because we don't want germs to get me!" Right. I could feel people staring at her. A cashier asked, "Is she ok? Does she have cancer? How SAD!" It felt like she slapped me across the face. Soon after, a little boy peaked into the stroller and said, "What is wrong with her mommy?" Enough. I was done with the mall. I started basically running through the mall, I had to get out of there. We started to head out of a department store where someone was playing a piano. I slowed the stroller so the kids could listen. Taylor turned to look at me and said, "Mommy, I want to go dance." So.... I stopped the stroller, got her out.... and we danced. The sting of the cashier and little boys words went floating away. Each day seems to be a mixture of happiness and heartache. I pray that it will always hurt me more than it hurts her. We continue to ride this out...focusing up.