Mercy

As a kid, my sister, brother, and I would play the game "Mercy". We would interlock our fingers, and twist and turn each others hands until someone would scream, "Mercy!" because the pain was too much. Of course, I was pretty tough and usually won...wink. But, the concept of the game keeps popping in my head. We are trying to inform Taylor about cancer in little bits and pieces that we feel she can understand and handle. We have been telling her that her belly is sick, and the doctor's are working on "fixing" it. We explain that we have some days at home and some days at the hospital. I have been covering my hands over her hairline, so she looks bald, and saying that this is what your hair will look like. She looked at me wide eyed last night and said, "No hair?". Yep, no hair. Then she simply responded "Ok Mommy." Mercy.

I gave her a bath last night, picking off the little bandages from her tumor removal surgery, still scrubbing the stickies off from the monitor leads, and washed her curls for the last time. I combed through her long hair knowing that today, we would chop it all off. I rocked her in her chair before bed and we talked about the week ahead. We talked about her haircut today, playing with her cousin Drew tomorrow, and then heading to the hospital Wednesday. I explained that we are putting in a magic button so the nurses can give her medicine without it hurting (her port a cath). I said, "You have cancer baby, do you know what that is?" She said, "Yes Mommy, it makes my belly hurt." Mercy.

Today we went to Cookie Cutters, and it was an absolute nightmare. She screamed in terror, she begged me not to let them give her a shot, not to let them hurt her... It was heart wrenching. The stylist asked why I would cut off these beautiful curls, and I choked getting the answer out. Will I ever get used to saying that she has cancer? As each curl fell to the floor my heart broke a little more. I love her curls, we have no idea where they came from, but we love them. I found myself scooping them up off the floor. Mercy.

Of course I think her pixie cut is darling. I love her sweet smile, her pretty eyes, and most of all her amazing spirit. She got glimpse of herself in a mirror, and squeeled "I like it!!" She was so excited for the balloon she received, and pranced out of the salon. It reminds me that with each twist, turn, and painful moment, God gives me mercy.